Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer