‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
real
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute