me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Oh we’ve met.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.