DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I bet birds love this building.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!