Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.