*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.