DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Bike for sale
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
i now pronounce you bounced.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.