Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Last-minute gift idea!