Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
wtf management?!
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Cake!!
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out