When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Terribly Tuesday.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”