Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra