Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?