Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
You Might Also Like
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*sewing*
A thread
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.