Oh we’ve met.
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I can’t stop laughing at this
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.