[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]