Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Breaking news:
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me