Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
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A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help