People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
PARKOUR
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.