Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.