In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
screw you
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Pat is about to own someone
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger