I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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Worst perfume name ever.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there