Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
That’s enough internet for the day
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.