I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
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Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.