Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I think I’ll stand
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.