“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁