I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[montage of me giving-up]