[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.