• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.