Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
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Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*checks Timeline*…
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.