Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.