*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.