[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.