German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.