Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]