The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Unexpected Judgment
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Eat…
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.