The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
how much for the angry fruit?
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/