Daughter:What’s a whore?
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg
Patient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?