No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Teach your children to beatbox
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
This kid is going places
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.