You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!