If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Don’t touch that.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.