Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.