Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february