Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

The point of your 20s

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

The answer is funnier than the question

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”