I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.


I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?


My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.


my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical


Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.


The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm


Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.


I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.


Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual