I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.