I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

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[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok


8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.


Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.


My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”


I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts


When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.


Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.