I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.