Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“you changed” bro i was 15