I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*