Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
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YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Hamburger Hinderer.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
#TopTip