I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My birthstone is kidney
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.