Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
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One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut