My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Meat Cute
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
A sick whale is called an unwhale
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*pokes sex life with a stick
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art