Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
umm…
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Breaking news:
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!