neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Breakfast for Stoners:
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle