Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
? 💀
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.