My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
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[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
i actually laughed 😩
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese